They say that thoughts become words, words become action, action becomes habit, habit becomes character and character becomes our destiny.
Journal Entry, April 1, 2020
I wake up each morning with a thought: I remember that this is actually happening.
As I rub my fingers over my eyes and stretch out my legs, this thought becomes less blurry... it becomes a very clear word: lockdown. Sometimes it becomes more than a word: stripped of freedom, global control, the new normal.
As I climb down the wooden ladder from the loft of my camper, I am determined to put my quarantined self into action. I wash up. I get dressed. I practice an hour or so of yoga. I make tea or coffee. I sit behind my computer doing stuff and then, I basically wander about my day doing things that make me feel a little less unproductive than I actually am. I answer texts. I write a post of two. I cut fruit for my daughters. I pet my dog. I go for a run. I make a phone call. I recheck my emails. I recheck the weather. The hours pass until it is finally time to prepare dinner, and the day can almost be checked off... 40, 41, 42 days in quarantine.... I can climb back up my ladder, tuck myself safely under the covers, read a feel good novel until my eyes cannot remain open one second longer. I sleep until it is time to REPEAT.
Habit.
It has become habit. Not going out. Not seeing anyone. Wearing the same thing every day. Feeling that feeling... not exactly new, but not feeling real.
And so, I am up to character.
How have the thoughts, the words, the actions and the habits that I have taken on these 42 days been forming my character? Where will it lead my destiny?
The quarantine has long ended. The summer came and went like summers do. The restrictions were loosened and so did we. During this time, I caught myself actually hoping that things could remain as they were in that moment, and also thinking that this would truly be a miracle.
“This should be the worst that happens” quickly took the place of the “I will never, ever be able to accept any of it” stance I was so adamant about just weeks earlier.
Now, here we are…
Fall. Check. Christmas. Come and gone. Check. The New Year. Wipee! It’s 2021. Check.
Yellow zone. Orange zone. Red zone. Nowadays, everbody’s mood seems to depend on the color.
We continue to live out of our RV as the trees above us have become bare and we have learned to strategically avoid slushing through the mud puddles that have accumulated underneath our feet. On the days that I see only a huge, muddy mess, I remind myself to keep my heart and gaze high.
Kenia has her first boyfriend and experiencing all the emotions that this brings to a 16 year old, die-hard romantic. Bianca Jade is all into her gymnastics. I am glad that my 13 year old has refound the energy that was mentally, spiritually and physically drained out of her during last March’s quarantine. They have their lessons. They go to acting class. They exercise. They hang with friends. They are both living their lives as freely as they possibly can as teens in times of a global pandemic. Andrea, well Andrea is Andrea: intense and fierce, and also extremely sensitive and loving. He researches. He writes. He supports all the weight of the family on his shoulders. He thinks and thinks and thinks, with 10 minute upper body workout sessions in between.
This brings us to me. My thoughts. My words. My actions. My habits. My character. My….
Where am I?
Some days I truly do not know, but I continue to practice. And on the other days… I practice even more.
Your destiny is determined by choosing a path and sticking with it depite the detours. It takes practice.
I practice on remaining focused on all the beauty that surrounds me. I practice towards a discovery of new parts of me that reside within. And, with my spine upright, my shoulders relaxed and my feet firmly grounded, I practice in order to hold onto a wavering conviction that I truly am unshakeable…
When a friend asks me, “How is everything?“, I sincerely answer, “Great!”, before pausing and adding, “and yet not.”
Is it possible to remain grounded when everything and everyone around you is literally shaking?
Here we go again. (another thought)
Several weeks ago I read that a man and woman (a married couple) pulled down their masks to kiss on an empty beach and were fined 300 euro each.
Are we ready for the consequences of this?
A first grader is punished for hugging his friend at school. A school teacher screams at a 3rd grader for leaning over a schoolmate’s desk. Coupons for virtual handholding, dancing and hugging are being distributed to kindergarten kids .
Once again, are we ready for the consequences?
Yesterday, while waiting on line, I smiled at a toddler in a carriage. He watched me as his mom paid for her groceries. He didn’t smile back. He just stared at the big, black mask covering more than half of my face.
There goes the destiny of a simple smile, I immediately thought.
As I walked out of the supermarket, I pulled down my mask to wipe away a tear. In another place and time, I may have been fined for such an act.
And with this thought, I become the toddler with a toddler-sized tantrum…
“I don’t want any of this!!!”
Is this our only destiny… a destination spread worldwide?
At times, I feel like a zombie. A puppet. A figure in a videogame. Nothing has ever been so uncertain. So estranged. So out of my control.
Ouch!
I watch movies and ask myself, will I be able to do that again?
I watch Lorelai and Rory drink coffee at Luke’s and wonder if someday soon it will become a mere memory of what I used to do.*
It will become as outdated as phone booths on the street or cars without seatbelts… typewriters, video stores, and luggage that can be checked without an extra charge…
having the freedom to kiss my husband on an empty beach.
Call me crazy, but if you were to tell me less than a year ago that everybody would be wearing masks everywhere, I would have called you crazy.
Will my daughters have the same freedoms that we did? To marry, have kids, travel… live their dreams?
Thought. Thought. Thought….Thought.
It is thoughts like these are interrupting my sleep at night. How ’bout you?
Albert Einstein said, “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity”.
Would it be completely rude to add, “to a point”?
Doesn’t it depend on who is controlling the difficulty?
The feeling that someone else is choosing my next destination isn’t just a passing thought.
Will we get used to this if it lasts several weeks, a month, months, a year, years, a lifetime?
Probably, yes. Afterall, our ability to adapt is absolutely extraordinary.
We are only as strong as our weakest link.
I continue to repeat how I refuse to be lured in by funny memes, social distanced cocktails, masks to match my outfit, and yet these are words in their weakest forms. It doesn’t take much to be outwited and defeated by my very own incongruence.
Am I the only one aware that we are ALL switching over to Survival mode?
The act of choosing which series to watch next is not a choice. It is a non action. The opposite of doing the work… contrary to anything that will give us back our freedom or self respect. In the end, They will guide us to a destiny we never believed possible.
We are directly inside the plot of the science fiction/fantasy thriller they made years ago.
(not a coincidence)
Drowning ourselves in Hallmark movies isn’t gonna cure the sickness all this is causing.
(believe me, I already tried)
People closing themselves behind their four walls. Neighbors reporting neighbors. Family missing family. Businesses shutting down. Kids forgetting to rip off their masks at the end of the school day.
Financial difficulty. Forelornness. Frustration. Fear. Phobia. The list goes on and on.
I wake up from dreams that include now and not before.
Never before have I felt so physically separated from my family in the US as I daydream of the day I will have their arms around me again.
I remember how I used to hop on a TWA flight several times a year with a carry on and a smile for a 10 day visit. 250,000 lire roundtrip. It was so simple. No controls. No restrictions. No tests. No fear. It may just be my memory, but back then Italy and New York weren't so monumentally far away.
Will we be able to travel? Will my parents tell us not to come? Will flying home ever be the same?
(just another sleepless night)
People are starting to perceive something bigger going on. I can read the emotion of it all in their eyes. Never before has the unspoken language been so disturbingly loud. If you care to listen, you can hear a calling for help from behind the designer masks.
We started using the the term social distancing as if it is cool from the very beginning. Way back in March, we started to attach it to almost anything: social distancing zumba, social distancing sing-a-long, social distancing Happy Hour… social distancing at school… social distancing at dinner… social distancing from our families… social distanced sex…
PHONE SEX AND YOUPORN NOW RECOMMENDED BY THE CDC.
There goes the destiny of the “one night stand”… to all the Carries and Samanthas of the world, I am feeling for ya.
Everything accessible from the comfort of your home with just a swipe or a touch. They have made changing our habits so simple, haven’t They?
A new normal of placency and displacement is filling our (w)hole.
I have always written about choices. Today, I find myself wondering what choice we have?
There is always a first.
“If you know that I am an unbeliever, then you know me better than I do myself. I may be an unbeliever, but I am an unbeliever who has a nostalgia for a belief.” ―
JOURNAL ENTRY, March 29, 2020
Our camper is parked a mere 5 minutes from our home in a beautiful spot overlooking the countryside in Central Italy. We were supposed to be traveling in southern Italy and then towards Africa. We rented our house to a relative. Then everything changed and our camper became our for now home off the road. Every morning for the past 3 weeks, I wake up with an anxious feeling in my heart. Like every other morning, I force myself out of bed. At 7am, it is cold and damp outside. The moisture runs down the little window at the base of my bed. The chill makes me feel like hiding under the covers. But, I don't. I do this for myself, for my daughters and for our destiny. The new day welcomes me. I am still alive. I am safe. I have food and a roof over my head. There are people in this world that love me and whom I love. I am reminded as I roll out my mat, that I have a choice even though everything that is happening around me is trying to convince me otherwise.
Remember that was just the very beginning. 11 months later. Here we are. Every step is treacherously exhausting. Each day wiping me out as if it was an entire year and the year, this year, passing over me as if it were a day. I am too aware of how wobbly we all are.
Girl, you gotta ground your feet deeper, I repeat to myself.
The news is starting to talk about another lockdown. Some predict that it could last until June or July. There is probably some team of doctors dutily doing their job. They are evaluating our risks. Other people are making up the rules as we go and creating restrictions that fail to make any sense…. as the school system and the economy are slowly dying, as people grow more and more afraid to sneeze, as people crossover to the other side of the street, as bumping elbows has already become too risky and outdated, as depression seeps in…
and… as I drown myself in thoughts…
(breathe, girl, breathe)
A small country in the middle of nowhere was free yesterday. I saw it on Skyline webcams, our new form of risk free, exotic travel. Today, it is locked down. Tomorrow, as my dad always says, is a dream.
Isn’t this truer than ever!
All over the world, people are being told to avoid their lives. Basic, everyday stuff wooshed away by who knows who. It is not something anyone of us would have chosen. It definitely isn’t anybody’s preferred destination or destiny.
I don’t know if I am a believer or unbeliever anymore. I don’t know much of anything. And, yet when I look around I can still see beauty in a sunrise. Every day. A predictable glow in the sky that, when focused on, manages to brighten up the predictable gloom we see in the future. I see it glistening on the trees and over rolling hills.
I see it in my daughters’ eyes and every once in a while I see it in the smile hidden behind the mask of a stranger.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
I choose to look for a slight spark. I choose to ignite the power of my thoughts, my words, my actions, and my habits. I choose to remain alive and aware. I choose to travel further and further within. I choose as I find the depth in my character. I find it every single time I fall and get back up once again.
And, most of all, I choose to believe in another type of destiny. There is no other choice.
"I’m not counting the steps or the days or the years. I have complete faith in the direction we’re heading, because the only way forward is forward." - Karen Maezen Miller
If I am getting any sleep at all, it is thanks to words like these. They are like a lullaby.
"...may we continue to take good care of ourselves and of each other. May we mend the part of the world within our reach, hold each other up, welcome every fleeting moment of delight, and embrace the mystery of being here for all of it. For this, dear friends, is our time. A time not of our choosing but the one we have been given, to make of what we will." - Katrina Kenison
So, please repeat after me:
Today, I continue to choose. I choose to live life fully with the risks. When given the choice for my family or myself I will always choose the opposite of fear. I will not limit my life and I will always choose freedom. For as long as I can. This is my time. This is where I want to go. This is my destination.
It all starts from a thought. A word. An action….
habit and character.
Mine. Yours. Ours.
(and, if this doesn’t work also remember (as Tony Robbins says) that someone else would love your problems)
So when Elisa, the barista, asks me, “Come va?“, I am tempted to give her my usual answer, but, then I stop. I remember my vow. I choose to lower my mask, exaggerate my smile and offer her an encouraging, “Benissimo!”. Giving both of us exactly what we need.
It may not protect us from a fatal destiny, but it is what I can do to temporarily hold us up, and protect the destiny of one more ordinary, extraordinary day.
From my still now home on 4 wheels…
xoxo,
PS: I would love to hear from you. Let me know how you are doing and where you are. Or, just write to say hi! (Messenger: Dannielle Levy or by email: angosinango@gmail.com)
*Gilmore Girls
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