WHAT I AM LEARNING ABOUT QUARANTINE and HOW TO SURVIVE the ‘lingo’ of our emotional instability during these days of dis-ease

There are moments everything flows and there are moments that your life is rock-solid frozen in time. No growing. No shrinking. No moving forward or slipping back. If you are centered, you feel calm and balanced: The stillness feels perfectly natural. If you are not, you feel like you are racing the wrong way on a moving sidewalk. The motion is there, along with the effort and the sweat. The pain is unbearably mental. Infuriating. Very opposite of the fun my once 4 year old had while doing this exact thing over and over again while waiting in the airport. 

By the way, I am in the later category at this moment.

I wrote these words months ago, before our lives changed.

I was referring to how I have felt for the good part of this past year…

 BEFORE the world suddenly changed.

I also wrote…

There are moments to communicate and there are moments to remain silent. At times, the silence is effortless. You trust your inner voice. You are able to speak without speech, tell a story without punching a single key. And then, there are the other times… Someone has plastered a super sticky piece of electrical tape across your mouth. They have tied ropes around your wrists, and shut off the flow of air from your nose. You are under water, but you are not. You are in a dream where you need to call for help, but you are paralized, cut off from the rest of the world. Your cry is encaged within your mind, a place where the heart has no say. No one can hear you. There is no help on its way.

I am in the later category once again.

As a writer, you know when it is best to push the pause button,  and so you do. You wait… not because you don’t want to reveil the hard, cold truth or protect an established image. However, you need to know what you are going to scribble onto a a first draft before you can press ‘play‘.

As a writer, you aspire to find words that are worthy of your readers so they can live all that is frozen or burning up along with you. The struggle between sharing and remaining still and silent is a test of balance. And so, you breathe. You wait. You motionlessly ride the waves of time.

This is where I am… 
well, where I was, 
up until today. 

Today, I reluctantly strip away the tape, untie the ropes, and start to breathe my silence into words worthy enough to share with you. 

I wrote these words a month ago when my family and I were still traveling… We were in Sardinia, Italy and it was before our lives changed, before the world suddenly changed… before I could possibly know… and yet I knew…

there I was, for a good part of this past year, standing in the water, large waves disguised as harmless ripples mischievously caressing me just below my gut…

the feeling of not being able to plan ahead, the struggle as a parent to take a distinct direction… persistent frustration for all the talk about a huge ‘Free Family’ adventure from South of the USA to South America on four wheels going nowhere… the lingering sensation of being absolutely paralized, but not in a dream…

This year has been harsh. A constant stress test.

No breakups. No illness. No loss. 

And yet, I felt lost and sick at sea.

So, I am here asking myself:

Are we all ‘in between’ for a reason?

Not me, not my family, but all of us.

Are we all right where we are supposed to be…

BEWILDERED, SCARED, LOST….

…in a place where the verb “to plan” has been temporarily removed from our vocabularies and our time is truly rock-solid frozen?

"Mom, do you think that I will be able to see my friends this summer?", Bianca Jade, my 12 year old daughter asks after throwing up for the third 'middle-of-the-night' in a row. She is the one that puts her free spirit on display and keeps her fears frozen up inside. "Dad, do you think that I will be able to have a husband and children... or even a boyfriend!?", Kenia, my 15, going on 16 year old, asks... her biggest dream from forever being that of raising a big family and saving lots of animals. She is the one that intimately understands the impact today's problems will have on our future.

My daughters have not physically interacted with their friends for over 3 weeks. We are all in the same ‘socially distanced‘ boat.

My daughters want answers. We all do. However, in this quaran-time even the answers are frozen and all we can really embrace is NOW!…

now, we are all in the NOW.

We have no choice.

Our lives have changed.

The world has suddenly changed.

Nobody excluded.

And, this is exactly what I want to write about today…

I am still trying to figure out the words… 

(IS ANYBODY LISTENING?!!!)

Whether we planned it or not… we are in it together!

NOW…What a short word with such a potentially powerful impact on each of our lives.

Now /naʊ/ adverb 
at the present time or moment. 
Used in a sentence:  "While everyone else was busy hoarding toilet paper, she suddenly realized that her life is the sh*t (or miracle) that she is living right now." 

What a simple word, and the most difficult word in the world to put into practice. If only we could learn how… WHAT A WORLD IT WOULD BE.

Now, in this fragile moment of time… whether we believe that the virus can kill us or not, whether we know who or what to blame or not, whether we choose (or are forced into) quarantine or not, whether we follow the fake news or the numbers on the nightly news…

whether we still hug, whether we wear masks, whether we let our children play outdoors, whether we are profoundly scared or in profound denial…

whether we are in a small village in Peru, a large city in the USA, or the countryside of central Italy…

When one looks into the darkness there is always something there. - W.B. Yeats

HERE WE ARE…

NOW!

I have written about this place so many times before, but never before have WE been so intensely here.

Never before have we been put in the situation that we really have only one thing to decide…

NOW, what are we going to do with this?

You, me, and the rest of the world…

You can attempt to climb up. 
You can attempt not to stumble all the way down. 
You can attempt to race against time.
You can attempt to clench onto a reality that no longer exists. 
But the only place to go, 
the only place to grab onto is what we have NOW. (Journal entry, March 18, 2020)

I have a friend that lives alone in a big city on the 6th floor of an apartment building. Like the rest of us in Italy, she has been forced into quarantine for the past 3 weeks. Her life before the lockdown was in motion. She is a social butterfly by nature. In her 50’s, she is beautiful and free. Energetic. She thrives on physical contact. Eyes to eyes. Arms around arms. Social media and social distancing is not her thing. Now, if she dares to stand outside for air, her enstranged neighbors yell at her to get the h*ll back in.

‘Corona Virus, go home’ is written on every wooden bench throughout the park that she overlooks from her kitchen window… the same park that just a month ago was her daily ritual.

The other day she sent me this message on FB:

Danni,

I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

M.

I called her the very same day. I reminded her that she is not alone.

We managed to laugh together. We also cried.

She told me that every day she wakes up a little later.

After all, what can I do with so much time?

On most days, she doesn’t apply makeup or fix her hair.

She has been wearing the same pijamas for days.

She follows the news obsessively until she just can’t take it anymore.

She tries to pass her time productively by baking cookies and cleaning corners.

She falls asleep to her favorite series on Netflix at all hours of the day and night.

She cries in between texts and phone calls.

Anxiety strikes her while scrolling the endless posts, the comments, the videos.

She has never felt so dis-connected and alone.

Her thoughts exhaust her. Her heart is searching.

Every day she feels increasing waves of despair and dis-ease.

She has lost track of time.

She is not alone.

Journal Entry, March ?, 2020

All of our lives have been quarantined whether we are physically restrained or not. Most of us are doing some version of the same thing as her... 

same obsessions, same Netflix, same posts and comments and videos, same tears, same dis-connection, same exhaustion and waves of despair…. 

Whether we are on a small island south of Spain, deep in the mountains of northern Argentina, in a villa at the far end of Long Island, New York, alone in a 6th floor apartment in some populated metropolis...  or, in a camper with our family of 5, parked in front of the rolling hills of central Italy.

None of us asked for this. We just wanted the same lifestyle everywhere… didn’t we? 

High speed internet service, Netflix, Amazon prime, 24 hour food delivery… sushi in Chile and burritos in Ireland…

Our aspirations include toilet paper sold 48 rolls in a pack, 2 liter-sized bottles of bubbly poison, standing in line for a 4 dollars & change, caffeine-loaded beverage with the twin tailed mermaid logo, and our name handprinted on the cup by a way too cheery server... 
a hamburger for only a buck ordered from the conveniently located driver's seat of our car….
Different country, same golden arches…

We didn’t think that all this would come with a brand name virus delivered to our lives worldwide. 

They convinced us that walking around holding a smartphone is normal. It is now what we all do. They altered our posture and our vision and our body language. Now we look down instead of into the eyes of the person that we love. Now we don’t see what is right in front of us. Now… we text instead of touch.  When did they manage to quarantine our brains into small screens that mesmerize us and make us feel anxious at the same time? Somewhere along the line we have all been transformed into addicts. Junkies. Dependent on the INSTA-taneous fix.

Practically nobody excluded…

As a result, it hasn’t been so difficult to convince us that kissing or hugging or shaking hands… touching… is not necessary. We have been texting and dis-connecting for some time now. Social distancing is quickly becoming the new normal as we shut ourselves inside our safe and sterile homes…

Different city, same box.

quarantine/ˈkwɒrəntiːn/ noun
a state, period, or place of isolation in which people or animals that have arrived from elsewhere or been exposed to infectious or contagious disease are placed.
(Interesting fact: many animals die in quarantine)
Derived from the Italian words quaranta giorni which mean 40 days.

Hmm… 40 days….

ARE WE REALLY THAT HOPEFUL?

Most people I know are in a moment called PETRIFIED of the Corona Virus. Many, however, do not know a single person that has had the virus, let alone someone who has died from it…

(let me make this clear: there is a difference of dying from something and with something. If you want me to elaborate, please drop me a message in the comments)

…and yet, we are panicking.

It does not matter what I personally think of the spreading of this pandemic. It doesn’t matter if the statistics are exaggerated or not. It doesn’t matter what they are saying.

petrified /ˈpɛtrɪfʌɪd/ adjective 
so frightened that one is unable to move; frozen, terrified. 
Used in a sentence: "The petrified mother covered her child with sanitizer instead of hugs."

The symptoms that we are all dealing with are REAL. Our fear is producing sickness, both physical and mental.

You can sterilize everything in sight, but all you are really doing is sterilizing yourself.

PANDEMIC is the new TERRORISM  (after 9/11 this word also became a new normal). 

MAKE A MENTAL CHECK NEXT TO EACH OF THE FOLLOWING THAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW: 

FEAR

OBSESSION

INSANITY or DENIAL

DEPRESSION

LONLINESS

PHYSICAL SICKNESS

Right now, however, we have a choice.

lost /lɒst/ adjective 
that has been taken away or cannot be recovered. Used in a sentence: "The quarantine victim's soul got lost in too much junk food, too much Netflix, and too much sorrow."
L(onely)
O(bsessed)
S(addened)
T(errified)

We can continue to live as if the virus is hunting us down or we can turn to the one thing that can protect us. We can turn to that short, simple word: NOW!

You, with your masks and your gloves…

you are afraid of the virus. 

I, my friends, am afraid of everything else...

REPEAT AFTER ME:

WE ARE HERE. WE ARE HERE. WE ARE HERE.

NOW…

with everything in the world suddenly changing,

with this virus that consumes every second of every day, every thought and every word that everybody says…

we have a choice…

we can allow this new situation to debilitate our bodies, our minds and our souls…

or we can focus our energy on what is still good NOW!

NOW is this exact moment in time between the life we abused and took for granted…the life we asked for... and the altered reality that awaits us.

Right now, we can concentrate on what we do have. Right now we can enjoy things. Right now we can see the gifts.

VEGAN SISTERS 4 A KINDER WORLD, (FB and Instagram), March 21, 2020

MY SISTER AND I WANT TO SHARE THESE PERSONAL THOUGHTS WITH ALL OF OUR FRIENDS AROUND THE WORLD: 
Our spirits were a bit low yesterday. We miss our friends. We miss our freedom. We miss the life that we knew just a few weeks ago, but we also know that we need to be grateful. Our mom has taught us well. We are in a better place than most. We have family that loves us from near and far, we have Cherry Pie (our rescued Pitbull), we have each other, and although we can't hug them, we have our best friends in our hearts. We also have food and water and nature. We wake to the sound of birds chirping and go to sleep in warm beds. Yesterday was a difficult day, but as an Italian friend from Argentina reminded us a few days ago we must KEEP OUR HEARTS RAISED! LUV, HOPE & SAFETY TO ALL from ITALY! Kenia & Bianca Jade ps: PLEASE SHARE TO ALL THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW THAT NEED TO BE REMINDED.

MAKE A MENTAL CHECK NEXT TO EACH OF THE FOLLOWING THAT YOU CAN FEEL GRATEFUL ABOUT RIGHT NOW: 

I can connect to all the PEOPLE in my life that I didn’t have time for before.

I can take TIME to do things at a more natural pace.

I can REFLECT and REACT on what I want to change and I can acquire a new sense of AWARENESSS.

I can stop abusing NATURE and start appreciating it. 

I can take control of my HEALTH, show it love and kindness, and treat my body and mind the way that they deserve to be treated. 

I can LEARN something new.

I can HELP others.

I can start LIVING the life that I have been too scared to LIVE.

All these things are accessible to everybody (for now).

Nobody excluded.

NOW that we cannot go out, it is time to go within.

Journal Entry, Dated: NOW

After everything changed, I decided that it was time for my family to start a new morning ritual. We meditate together. As we close our eyes, each of us quietly thinks of 5 things that we are grateful for. As I breathe, my list starts to overflow. Not 5, but 15, 20, 30 things come to mind... the same exact amount that I had before the world suddenly changed, and yet, before the world suddenly changed I did not take the time to think about them. Absorb them. Live them. In many ways I feel better than BEFORE. I feel like this new, devasting situation has given me back the NOW that I have been searching for this past year. And, even though I feel fear and frustration, confusion and despair along with everyone else… even though I am under forced quarantine in a camper with my family of 5 in the countryside of central Italy, I have decided to work on abandoning the L-O-S-T feelings….I am stiller inside than I have been in a long time… This does not mean that I can accept all that is happening to us. And, it does not mean that I always feel peaceful. But, for now, for today, or at least while I am writing these words... I have refound my gratitude and a balanced sense of this quaran-TIME.

quaran-time/ˈkwɒrən-/tʌɪm/ noun 
a state, period, or place of isolation in which quarantined people decide to focus on the blessings of NOW to prevent loneliness, depression, fear, anger and physical illness. USED IN A SENTENCE: "During the Great Pandemic of 2020, quarantine victims used the power of quaran-TIME to heal their souls."

After this passes, we will have decisions to make for ourselves, our families and the destiny of our world. I don’t know where this will lead you or me, but what I do know is that how we use our time NOW will define how we will use it in the future.

IT IS TIME TO REACT. Otherwise, our waves of despair will linger on… on… on….

EVEN AFTER this virus passes.

This is my quaran-time and I can still choose how to spend it.

We all can.

Nobody excluded.

LUV, PEACE & SAFETY TO ALL,

ps: PLEASE SHARE TO ANYONE YOU KNOW THAT NEEDS TO BE REMINDED.

pps: And please remember to CLICK “FOLLOW” right NOW on the righthand side of the home page of this blog to receive future posts directly in your inbox because I write for myself, but my words mean so much more to me when I am able to share.