Last week we were in bed at the hotel. There was a blue light coming in from the balcony. You were sleeping soundly at my side. I couldn’t sleep. Thoughts of everything filled my head and the pizza we had eaten earlier that evening disturbed my belly. We didn’t overeat like we had done so many times in the past. No, that night we were calm, aware, relaxed… like I hadn’t remembered us being in quite a long time. Was I full because our super clean diet has made me (like you) more sensitive, or was I feeling bloated from all the thoughts of our future? I know that by now I should be less sensitive to these moments of reflection and decision making, but I never seem to digest them too well (especially since it seems like we always have something to decide!).
Last week we went to the hotel, alone, no daughters, to talk, reflect, decide about everything, about our future. Only 40 minutes from where we live. Rimimi. We booked a room overlooking the beach….
So there I was calm, aware, even relaxed and unable to sleep… you resting soundly by my side. My mouth was dry, so I got up to drink some water, and then the words you repeat to the girls came to my mind: Brush your teeth before you drink. And so, I did. I went to the bathroom in the dark, only the blue light coming in from the balcony lighting the way, and brushed my teeth. I rubbed my tired eyes and then returned quietly to bed. I listened to your breath, turned back and forth a couple of times, and then with my back towards you, you hugged my closely from behind…. and there it was… the love…. An explosion… I was full of it, bloated. I loved you and if it wasn’t the middle of the night, if we weren’t in that hotel room, I would have likely screamt it out loud (incredible, because I could have easily screamt out that I hated you just a couple of weeks or even days ago when your annoying habits were getting on my nerves)… but, in that moment, the only thing that existed was our 21 years of marriage and over 22 years together… your arms wrapped around me, and my love, my love and my gratitude for you and us.
I was calm, aware, relaxed… confident about everything, our past and our future, our decisions.
That is what love does, doesn’t it? It empowers us and makes the world (feel like) a better place. That is what your love does to me (when I am not hating you)… it hugs me from the inside out and drugs me from the outside in… it craddles me to sleep and makes me see hope, especially during the hours right before the break of dawn.
With this love and hope and confidence, I fell back to sleep… calm, aware, relaxed and excited
about waking up in just a couple of hours, to decide our future, our next step, in this make-no-sense world… where often the only thing that makes sense to me is our family and us.
Happy Anniversary… Cane Matto, Durante Darling, Honey!
We made it… another year and…
I love you!!!
Ps Last week we weren’t able to decide… As a result, this past week has been difficult. However, I can still feel it… with calmness, awareness, in a relaxed and confident way… we will… we will make the next step… the giant step…. the galactic step… jump once again out of our comfort zone and transform this unsettled feeling into something else….we will make sense of something… of everthing that is important to us… love and appreciation (for life) guiding the way.
And, for those of you who are reading this, thanks for letting me share this wonderful emotion with you… hoping that you too feel the love once in a while… the hug, the drug, the empowerment … it is truly amazing and it may just make you feel like wanting to JUMP right into your life!