NO EXPECTATIONS (and feeling comfortably at home)

SIX WEEKS: LEARNING THAT NOTHING IS EVERYTHING (part ten)

When we are not fighting against our life it is a pretty awesome place to be.

Journal Entry, February 20th 2016, The Rock: Uspallata, Argentina 5:20pmDSCN0073

I came to this place almost 5 weeks ago, left Italy with absolutely no expectations. When you don’t have expectations you can’t possibly be disappointed. And so I am not – not with the  ecovillage (a community that wasn’t waiting for us), not with the people whose high expectations have left them frustrated, angry, in constant conflict… co-living on a thread, not with the project that is most definitely too ambitious to ever be realized:

30 lots, 15 sold, 6 homes, 3 or 4 on the way… Italians, Mendozinas, Portenos, Cileans, MeTUNDUQUERAL GREEN VILLAGE (google it)… a project that started with very overblown ideas, an impressive website, a substantial sum of money. A project that has now lost its thrust, has run out of dough… in a country where labor is slow, prices completely unreliable… a place where time gets lost and answers remain unclear…

Here we are. Time is passing us by.

Here we are: asking questions, exploring, living it all so intensely… too early to understand the difficult dynamics, all the problems, the fuzzy character of the place or the people…

attempting to understand and at the same time accepting the possibility of never ever knowing…

After 4 years the project continues among complaints, accusations, tension, loss of energy … some have come and gone, some stay and try to survive, few still see the future of what this place could become…

and yet, I do

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I had no expectations – not to like it or leave it behind. We went to Argentina for a new adventure…and… to buy a piece of land. Six months ago we blindly gave our word to the seller. Didn’t need to see it first.

Deal done, like it or not.

I had no expectations to fall deeply in love. I still know hardly anything about it and yet this place and I are intimately connected… and this is enough. I can explain it just as much as I was able to explain falling in love with Andrea at first sight (I remember saying the words for the first time to my best friends Jeff and Heather over a cup of coffee and a toasted bran muffin 20 years ago at the Caraville Diner on Avenue M in Brooklyn.)

Back then, it made no sense.

It still doesn’t.12003146_817991111651880_5270445358529155419_n

Courage and fearlessness are not the same thing. Courage is all about feeling the fear and doing it anyway.   (Dani Shapiro, Still Writing)

No fear.

Or rather courageously fearful?

With time I have learned that fear and love cannot coexist (at least not without the courage), and for this reason we must be absolutely fearless to find love, to trust in it… in ourselves… give entirely. Commitment is scary. It can even get bloody sometimes… whether the object of love is a person, an animal, a thing or a place like this. Love gives us strength, blinds us just enough not to the see all the dangers involved. It makes us courageous.

For years we have been living and loving the road, here and there… feeling grateful for the choices we have made…  It has been wonderful and exhausting.

Many people believe that we are searching.

They believe that searching is a bad thing.

Something that only people with problems do.

I have never known a person without problems, have you?

We see it as living life fearlessly. Issues and all.

When you stop searching you are dead I read this on a bumper sticker a few years ago.

Many believe that we have few close relationships. In reality, our type of lifestyle makes the whole 5entire world our family. There is not a place we could go that wouldn’t offer us a bed, a meal and authentic affection.. in this miraculous sense everywhere is our home.

Now we have arrived at a crossroad.

Which way do we turn?

Do we continue to go on or partially settle down …do a semi house, dog, garden thing?

Part of me fears it, the other half is simply longing. All of me knows that my husband would do it – for us, that is

his fearless love still belongs to life on the road without the house, the dog, the garden… our nomadic home.

There comes a moment in every individual’s life…look both ways, double look if necessary… and then step of the curb (knowing there is no way to know if you will ever arrive at your final destination safely).

DSCN0362I came here with no expectations.

I found a group of houses inhabited by a group of people with lots of issues – fellow seekers (perhaps desperate would be appropriate here) – living in a country built on problems (the number one being constant, uncontrollable inflation).

I could leave and run the other way. Never come back…

but, something inside me is whispering softly

As I listen this is what I hear:

This is what you are searching forthis is a place where you can be you, your daughters can grow safely, you can have the simple home, the dog, the vegetable garden… you can still be free… can’t you see it, behind the problems, there it is: a paradise in plain sight!

Journal Entry, February 20th 2016, The Rock: Uspallata, Argentina 5:45pmDSCN0254

Sitting here on this rock – my Rock, Keylen and Rodrigo’s rock, the rock of many past, present and future – feeling fearlessly in love with this place that I know almost nothing about… I know nothing except how it makes me feel –

whole, peaceful, absolutely cravingless.

I wonder: Will I continue to love it or will we ultimately leave it behind?

Right now, I still don’t know…Less than 2 weeks before returning home and I still have no expectations.

Right now, as the silence penetrates through me and the air completes my soul it doesn’t matter…

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Not all love is meant to last. Sometimes it does and other times it doesn’t. Sometimes it is meant to leave incomprehensible pain, unanswered questions and beautiful, rich memories in its place…

and, you know… it really doesn’t matter because for the moment I am enjoying being exactly where I need to be …comfortably at home: Here I am.. still living our life, still thinking about Argentina… still experiencing some sort of Paradise.

peace and hugs,

firma danni

 

 

 

 

 

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