SIX WEEKS: LEARNING THAT NOTHING IS EVERYTHING (part four)
I just spent the last two hours letting go of the idea that my internet connection (when I do have it) should be extremely reliable and super fast (what do I expect for a buck an hour?); two hours in front of a monitor in a stuffy, little internet point located on the top floor of a pulperia (minimarket) where I finally was able to post ‘part two‘ of my blog series: LEARNING that NOTHING is EVERYTHING. Two hours of hard core meditation (to remain calm and collected) in front of a computer which blocked, disconnected and obnoxiously refused my every request… the keys of the keyboard stubbornly getting stuck every other sentence.
I woke up this morning at 7am, quickly washed up, did 20 minutes of yoga, prepared my bag and threw on my sneakers ready for the great escape…
I was happy... with the idea of spending an entire morning ALONE, walking 4 miles to get to town to buy some fruit, write some emails, post on my blog and then peacefully sit and sip a steaming hot cup of coffee that I already knew would either be too milky or too strong….
Now, as I am sitting here in this empty coffee shop with my burnt and bitter tasting coffee (as I gracefully hold back the urge to ask for more milk in the attempt of not appearing more gringa than my spanish accent gives away), I am happy that just a couple of hours ago it was jam packed with tourists and locals… because I had envisioned this very moment from the first time I came here… me and a cup of bad coffee, pen and journal… Marvellously ALONE!…
I am happy to be alone and I am happy for my family as well: finally motherless for a few hours (They are probably riding horses or out feeding pigs.).
Tomorrow Andrea will have his day ALONE and we will be pleasantly fatherless for a few hours. He is going to Mendoza to pick up our friend – Uncle Ray to the girls – from the airport. I can already picture us girls, all ALONE… baking and creating dance steps, coloring and playing jacks.
SPACE… it is all about needed SPACE, even in the middle of nothingness (or perhaps even more so…until you get a hang of it there seems like there is nothing better to do but get on each other’s nerves) where the land is as endless as the mountains, blue skies and the midnight stars.
SPACE… after days of tension and adjustment, settling in and settling apart.
I am happy to have posted on my blog, difficulties, sweaty armpits and all… to be able to share our experience… to have an opportunity to quietly recollect my thoughts…
to have left behind a day that everything from lost keys to too many flies left us feeling crumbier than the crumbs that accidently got knocked over on the floor by a sorry, 8 year old girl…
The tension was heated and we almost set the old, gas oven on fire to prove it…
I am happy... missing my family knowing that as soon as I finish this cup of coffee which I finally doctered up with more milk (couldn’t resist) and two packets of sugar, and as soon as I finish writing this last word, I will be even happier to walk another 4 miles to return to them: heavy bags of fruit loaded on my left shoulder, a too-bright sun burning directly into my squinting eyes.
I feel happy… because I accept that not everything is perfect and that day by day we are learning to give ourselves time, space, patience… accept the bitterness and embrace all that is incredibly sweet… like this simply, delicious time to be completely ALONE.
Journal Entry, the dojo at TUNDUQUERAL GREEN VILLAGE, Uspallata, Argentina, January 22, 2016
One hour later.
I open the door of the ‘dojo’ and before I can even kick off my sneakers, rip away my stinking socks, I am excitedly greeted by two cheery, little girls.
Kenia: Mommy, mommy.
Havana: Mommy, mommy.
Havana: I learned how to do a cartwheel.
Kenia: I really missed you.
I hugged Kenia as Havana pulled my arm and dragged me to the other side of the earth-colored wall. Andrea was stretched out on a piece of the sky blue mat. He gave me one of his ‘I feel happy, but completely exhausted’ looks as he lovingly smiled.
…And, as I watched Havana do her first, almost complete cartwheel – legs flying in the air –
I knew that this moment wouldn’t have ever existed if I hadn’t given myself some alone time and hadn’t left my free family FREE to be motherless for a while.
xoxox from this state of pure Happiness,